Tricks and Techniques to Lower Stress

As a stress coach to kids from middle school through graduate school in the Seattle area, I see over and over how stress makes it hard for kids to concentrate, organize their thoughts, and perform their best whether they are plowing through homework, outlining an essay for an application to Yale, or taking the GMAT.

If stress is slowing you down, try  these short- and long-term techniques. One or more may be all you need to keep you on track.

Breathing

(If you have asthma, skip this section and go on to the Three-Legged Stool. You can also check out my short blog post on asthma and deep breathing.)

The quickest way to lower your stress level that I’ve ever come across is simply to take a deep breath. The great thing about this technique is that you can do it anywhere – in the cafeteria line, in front of a class, talking to friends. You’re breathing. Who’s going to even notice, let alone make a big deal about it?

There is a trick to this breathing thing, though. You have to do it the right way or it can backfire on you. Try panting to see just how tense you can make yourself. Such shallow breathing is the wrong way to breathe.

The right way is to make your breath go all the way down to your diaphragm at the very bottom of your lungs. If you’ve done any singing, you’ve probably already learned how to do diaphragmatic breathing. If not, it’s pretty easy to do. First, put your hand over your navel. While keeping your chest and shoulders still, take a slow breath that goes all the way down and pushes out your hand. Hold it for a few seconds. Now slowly let the air out. That’s all there is to it.

No really, that’s it. Do two or three of those breaths and you’ll let go of some tension in your body. Since you can’t be tense and relaxed at the same time, your stress level will go down, and both your body and your brain will start to work better.

For more long-term benefits, you could practice this type of breathing three times a day. Before every meal can be a good way to remember. Take ten breaths. Breathe in on a slow count of three, hold for three counts, then breathe out on a count of five. Play with those numbers to see which works best for you. (I prefer four, four, six. Others I’ve worked with liked three, four, five.) If you start to get dizzy that means you’re hyperventilating. Breathe normally for half a minute then finish the ten breaths.

The more often you practice this breathing, the more you train yourself to stay relaxed in general and the easier it is to remember how to breathe right when things get tense.

If you really want to get hard-core about this, start doing yoga. In yoga, this kind of breathing is an important part of meditating. By the way, yoga and meditation in general are great ways to bring stress way down.

I’ve heard that combat trainers teach this sort of breathing to Green Berets and FBI agents as a way to master their fear while in action. If it can help them focus when somebody is pointing a gun at them, it should help you focus on your Calculus final.

The Three-legged Stool

There are three things you can do to build up your tolerance for stress: exercise, eat right, and spend time with your social network. Increasing any one of these can improve your stress level. Having a decent amount of each in your life is like having a sturdy three-legged stool to support you and provide a solid platform from which to tackle all the stuff school, your family, and your friends throw at you.

I tell everyone who comes to me with full-blown anxiety about the Three-legged Stool. If these legs can help people with panic attacks and social phobias, they can help someone taking too many AP classes.

The first leg: Exercise

Exercise, the first leg, can give you the fastest results. If your brain is balking at the thought of writing yet another paper, go run up and down the stairs a few times. When you go back to your computer, it should be easier to organize your ideas and start writing them out.

For more long-lasting results (or when you just can’t see doing jumping jacks in the middle of your biology exam), get regular exercise. The party line is to get half an hour, three times a week, minimum. That’s good, but if your schedule won’t allow even that, fit what you can in when you can.

The key here is to get your heart rate up. I don’t care how – walk; run; swim; use a hula hoop; dance around your room like one of those people in an old iPod commercial. It doesn’t have to be some kind of formal exercise. You just have to work hard enough that it’s a bit difficult to talk while you’re doing whatever you’re doing.

Of course, you would never do this if it weren’t okay with your doctor. But if you pass your check-ups and the doctor gives you a green light, jump on in.

The second leg: Nutrition

Certain changes to their eating habits can help even people with full-blown anxiety disorders lower their anxiousness. If it helps them avoid panic attacks, it can help you lower your stress.

First, cut out as much sugary stuff as you can. No, I’m not trying to get you to lose weight. This is all about moderating your stress. When you eat something sugary like candy or soda, your blood sugar spikes, giving you a temporary boost in things like energy and heart rate, which can add to feelings of stress. Next your blood sugar drops like a stone to below where it was before you downed the Snickers, which can add to feelings of stress, too. Then you want more. It’s a vicious cycle.

For the same reason, avoid starchy food, like white bread, white rice, and potato chips. As I’ve had it explained to me, these starches quickly convert into blood sugar. You might as well swallow a few tablespoons of table sugar instead of that bag of Doritos.

To avoid the spikes from sugary or starchy snacks, be sure to have protein in your snacks (and meals, for that matter) since the energy from protein stays in your system longer. A handful of nuts would be a good choice before a test for those who aren’t allergic to them.

Caffeine in all forms – coffee, sodas, black tea and, sadly, chocolate – can lead to jittery feelings in anyone. If you’re already stressed, that’s most definitely not going to help. Limit how much you have. And it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway: when you’re stressed avoid those sugary, super-caffeinated energy drinks like the plague.

Nicotine is another way to aggravate your stress. Ditch the cigarettes.

Generally, the more you improve your nutrition the better base you have to handle any stress that comes your way. Don’t worry; I’m not going to get all radical on you here. I am not suggesting that you throw out everything in your fridge and only eat macrobiotic, locally grown, organic, freely given fruits and vegetables. Instead, try making small changes as you go along, like adding a piece of fruit to your lunch, trading in your cheeseburger for a salad once a week, or actually eating at home on Thursday nights instead of at Burger King. Those kinds of small changes over time are much more likely to stick and bring lasting benefits than a sudden, extreme overhaul.

The third leg: Social Interaction

The third leg of the stool is social interaction. There is something about each of us that needs face-to-face interaction with people. Certain people need more than others, but some amount of contact is a basic human need for everyone.

Stress overload - time to take steps

Usually I don’t worry about kids in high school or college getting enough social time. Hanging out with friends in and out of school tends to be a big part of life at that age, so it isn’t often a problem. There are a few trouble spots, though.

Some kids don’t get enough social interaction because they spend all their social time on the internet. Email, instant messaging, and Facebook can be fun, but they don’t count as this kind of social interaction. Neither do phone calls. You need actual face time. Get out of your rooms and (I can’t believe I’m saying this) go meet friends at the mall. Or somewhere else. Just see them in person every week.

A big pitfall, especially for girls, is spending a lot of their time with friends going over and over what’s wrong with them or their lives (She ignored me because I’m not popular enough; I’ll never get into Stanford; that history teacher is so unfair; Why didn’t I get asked to homecoming?). It’s called ruminating, like what cows do, and it doesn’t give you the boost you would otherwise get from spending time with your friends. You may need to make a conscious effort to change the subject every time you catch yourself ruminating. It’s worth the effort because it can become a habit that leads to depression and anxiety throughout your life, not to mention the stress it’s causing right now.

Watch out for “so-called friends.” I have worked with plenty of clients whose so-called “friends” left my clients feeling worse after each contact. Anyone who brings you down regularly, or has you questioning your worth in general when you are with them, is not someone to spend time with. Avoid them. What you need are people in your life who make you feel good about yourself when you are with them, even when they challenge you. So, if you have those kinds of people in your life now seek them out and spend time with them.

If you don’t have such people in your life now, whether because you’ve been spending time with so-called friends, or you changed schools, or you’ve spent every waking moment of the past three years studying like a fiend, it’s time to build a new network. Start experimenting with different types of people. Join something – a sport, a play, the debate team. Go to a friendly church, mosque, or temple. Volunteer for some good cause where you will be working with others. It doesn’t matter what you do so long as you actually meet and talk to people.

That’s the Three-Legged Stool speech. If you want to lower your stress, especially for the long-term, a good place to start is to work on at least one of the three legs of your own stool—preferably the one that’s shortest.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

I’ll keep this short. Whenever you tell yourself something like “I’m an idiot” or “Nobody but me would have missed that question” or “I’m going to fail all my classes,” you add to your stress and actually make your performance worse. You’re concentration is scattered, your energy level goes down, and you start believing the things you are saying about yourself and living down to your expectations. So stop it. Now.

What you need to do is replace the exaggerated, all or nothing, name-calling way of thinking and replace it with a more rational analysis. Instead of “I’m an idiot,” try “Well, that wasn’t my best move. Next time I’ll wait to talk to her when she isn’t surrounded by ten friends and can actually listen to me.” In place of “I’m going to fail everything” tell yourself “I’m doing well in most of my classes, but if I want a higher grade in LA, I’ll have to do some extra credit.”

This may take some practice if you’ve made it a habit to talk yourself down. Here’s another tip to help you practice. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you catch yourself talking yourself down. That stops the automatic thought, which you replace with a message that’s more rational.

If you are in the Seattle area and would like to schedule one-on-one stress coaching for you or your child, call or contact me by email.

Nancy Linnerooth, LMFT
Stress Coach
1405 NW 85th St
Seattle, WA 98117
206.459.1589
help@StressedKids.com